Chris Voss FBI master negotiator calls it ‘Labelling’ – the verbal observations of feelings.
When listening, we can use ‘reflecting’ to reflect either
(1) the words (i.e. just repeating the last word or two to encourage the speaker to carry on)
(2) the feelings, to validate your understanding of their emotions, e.g. “I get the feeling that you disagree even though you’ve said you’re fine with it.”
It’s a powerful tool, when used gently, sincerely and tactfully, allows the listener to dispel assumptions about what the speaker might think/feel/intend which may be at odds with what they actually say.
I tell people you don’t have to be an expert at reading body language, you just have to detect an incongruency; i.e. non-verbals not matching the verbals.
For example, crossed arms and frowny face is incongruent with, “I’m fine – I don’t care that you forgot my birthday.”
Or a smile that looks just a bit forced with a “I am ok, really”.
Reflecting the feelings, or ‘labelling the emotions’ gently without judgement will allow the speaker the space to feel safe about sharing what’s going on for them.
Do you try to probe gently when you see an incongruency in body language and words?
Or do you see it as ‘opening a can of worms’, and let things be?
We’ve had two deeply painful losses in the hashtag#Salesforce hashtag#Ohana and those of us who knew Gemma and Amanda are grieving.
We need to take a moment to pause, to listen, and to be there for each other.
hashtag#OnThePeiroll
hashtag#ActiveListening
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*Below is a slide from session 2: Active Listening II of the 1-year pilot Salesforce Consultant Leadership Programme starting in January 2024.
