“Why did you do that?”
“How come you let that happen?”
Judgemental accusation.
“Why don’t you do this?”
“Why don’t you think about that option?”
Problem solving.
It’s saying, “You’re helpless. I know how to solve your problem.”
“Oh I’m sorry to hear your father died. You must be devastated.”
(Nope – he abused mum and me.)
“Good riddance! You didn’t deserve him anyway.”
(But I cheated, and I was the one who was horrible!)
Assuming you know the context.
Why do I think that non-judgemental empathy is almost always better than sympathy?
It’s because unless you’ve told me more of the story, I would lack context to respond appropriately, and sympathy may be the last thing that is needed.
This applies to judgement, blame, and sometimes – even well-meaning advice and help.
The next time you speak with someone who is sharing something vulnerable, try to just be there, and to listen.
Don’t judge, blame, assume or try to solve their (perceived) problems.
You may find that you’ll begin to have a more meaningful conversation that touches into deep human topics.